How are you coping this 2020?
Well for me, 2020 has been incredibly hard & I was forced to confront ME myself. Throughout this year, I have been very conscious about sharing my thoughts online mainly because I know it is a tough year for many- people losing their loved ones, some lost their jobs yet others have their income slashed etc. I wanted to be very sensitive to others and the last thing I have wanted to do, is to spread “negativity” after all I am supposed to be grateful that I have a job- one that allows the flexibility to work in the comfort of my home setting, one that continues to pay my bills, and most importantly the company do honestly care for our overall well-being 💕
Yet despite all that, I still feel a spectrum of “negative” emotions – frustration, grief, stress, sad, uncertain and lost. For countless nights, I couldn’t sleep. I woke up feeling anxious and irritable (LOL and of course on a few occasions triggered some unnecessary dramatic quarrels).
While work is stressful in its own term due to new learning curves, I thought work IS the solution. After all, diverting my attention from overthinking, meant that I can at least be productive and feels “useful”. AHA it was such a wrong call, because it quickly led to a burnout situation and seemingly never ending viscous cycle (work= more unknowns, more stress >cannot sleep> annoyed > offend people unconsciously>everything feels mundane/meaningless/irritable> repeat). Yes even as I typed this, I felt tired for myself 😂
If I may use an analogy to illustrate, it is like walking through a dark tunnel with no end in sight, and along the way as you tumbled you cried and you let the imagination run wild. It was daunting, you continued crying, & struggled to piece all of those feelings together. The situation stayed on for months till at some point I don’t feel like living anymore.
“
原来生活中有些无奈无法用语言表达，说出来好像未必会有人理解
原来一个人真的可以难过到没有语言
没有情绪 没有表情 静静的坐着
就是突然之间鼻子一酸眼泪就掉了下来“
So in the end how does it go?
There came a time (in Oct I think) that I sat down and attempted to declutter my mind even if it means writing nonsense on my phone notepad.
I mean… it is hard not to feel this way this year right? Almost every month (since Mar) I was greeted with upsetting news:
- news relating to Covid-19. Through the lens of the numerous journalists, we have seen some of the worst of human kind- the selfish complacent ones, the blatant leaders who completely disregard human lives (YES DONALD TRUMP IS ONE OF SUCH ***PEOPLE ON EARTH) .
- Late Mar: having lost my grandpa during a global pandemic, meant that we were unable to have a sent him off nor could we accompany my grandma during this difficult moment. It felt awful even till today.
- Apr 7- Jun 1: Circuit breaker kicks in. At first it didn’t feels bad because work from home arrangement merely just started & it felt no different from previous WFH days, plus it was quite rejuvenating to do up recipes on dishes made by my mum & sister. Then as days went by, it slowly hits you that you are such a loner, you missed having that interactions with some of your closer colleagues🙃
- then sometime in June, where a series of “black lives matter” movement broke out in the states and subsequently across the world that got me frustrated as well. I brushed up on understanding the context in which those movements came about- the history, the bureaucracy, accounts from the various communities etc. Don’t you feel messy and disturbing that even in the 21st century, we need these movements to not just raise awareness on injustice to remind people like law enforcers to treat every human respectfully?
- Around the same time, there were massive outbreaks on my face. Tummy upset was a pretty common thing possibly due to the constant anxiety.
- Then after … things felt like blur, it was so bad that I can’t even remember what went on😱😂 till Nov & Dec where more hopeful news are being announced. Goodbye Donald Trump & YASSS to vaccines 💉 suddenly it felt like there is a glimpse of hope; light at the end of the tunnel.
Past two months I have
✅ read news on a more selective basis so that it doesn’t feel so overwhelming all at once…
✅ realized that there are many things beyond my control and I have to learn to take it in stride. Things happen for a reason~ this links to the next point
✅learn that to be kind to myself! Subconsciously, I have internalized that busyness is a good thing closely associated to my sense of worth, but soon enough the body will be so intuitive in signaling warnings to you 😂 I guess I need to be less critical of myself, and parent myself that it is okay that everything feels messy, just go with the flow. This recalibration may takes a while but every tiny steps count I guess.
Anyhow, I think we all deserved a little pat on the shoulder having pulled through 2020🙏 Come 2021, I honestly do not hold any more hope/ expectations, and march on wherever the future holds.
tweetyeggy 